Conversations
by Elysynn
Summary: A discussion with an old friend leads to insights on Tony's past and events that have made him who he is. Primary Spoilers for Twilight and Judgment Day, additional spoilers listed in chapters. Rating for safety.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to NCIS, just taking them out to play for a bit. No (monetary) profit being made here...**

**A/N: _This is an idea that just recently popped into my head regarding Tony. It's a WIP right now, envisioning 2-3 parts to the story at this point. A bit of a character study I guess you could say. If you're so inclined please let me know your thoughts._**

**Warnings: If you haven't seen Twilight yet... mega-spoiler ahead, so I'd stop reading right here. There may be a smattering of references to conversations from other episodes, but nothing "spoiling" I shouldn't think. If that changes, warnings will be posted within the chapters the spoiler occurs. **

Kate stood over his shoulder, her Catholic schoolgirl uniform as perfect and forced as it had been the first time he had envisioned her in it.

"Tony, this has to stop." Kate said with an exasperated and affectionate tone.

"What, Kate? The uniform? C'mon, admit it, you know you wanted to wear it for me," he said, flashing a leering grin.

"No, Tony, not the uniform," she sighed. "This," gesturing around the graveyard, "has to stop."

"It can't, Kate. Remember? You're dead," he said forcefully.

She stepped around to the front of his field of vision and sat down. Looking Tony in the eyes, she stated flatly, "It's a bit hard for me to forget that, DiNozzo. We're past your guilt about my death. You know it wasn't your fault, that there was no way Ari was aiming for anyone but me. But this is retreading old ground. I don't understand why you're here. I'm not talking about stopping by from time to time to pay you respects; I'm talking about all these visits. It's not healthy."

Tony stared at Kate's image, leaning casually against her own gravestone. Despite himself he had to smile, it was an image that Abby would appreciate. He had seated himself just off to the side of her grave, old childhood superstitions about disturbing the dead by treading on their graves weren't so easily tossed aside when it was the grave of a friend. His arm was resting comfortably on a drawn up knee. It was a perfectly valid question. Why was he here?

The first few months after she had died, he had stopped every week. Then as his guilt lessened and he came to terms with the circumstances of her death, his visits became less frequent. His last visit had been a just after he had received his Agent Afloat assignment after Jenny's death. He was coming to understand that Kate's grave was a sanctuary for him. He talked, she listened and sometimes they bantered. But what was it that drew him today?

He glanced at his watch. Then he remembered waking up this morning and seeing the date, October 3rd. He had pushed it out of his mind in his usual morning flurry of activity. Being stuck in the office with no casework had put it out of his mind from mind-numbing paperwork. With no excuse for overtime, he found himself here.

"Did I ever tell you I had a sister, Kate?" he whispered.

"No, Tony. You never talked about your family. You tossed out a few comments here and there, but no one knows when to take you seriously," she sighed.

Tony dropped his head to his knee. She was right. It had become so natural for him to joke around, keep people off guard he didn't always realize what was coming out of his mouth. It was a coping mechanism, how he'd learned to keep people from getting too close.

"It was no joke when I mentioned my father leaving me behind at the hotel for two days. It sounds so absurd; I never thought anyone would believe it anyway. But it was true. I was ten. I think 'lost in the shuffle' was the reasoning," he chuckled without humor. "Seriously, who would leave their ten-year-old stranded in a five-star hotel on a tropical paradise?"

He took a deep breath and continued, "I never talked about my family, Kate, because I lost my family when I was five."

Kate looked at him impassively. She merely prompted with her eyebrow for him to continue, to elaborate on that mysterious comment.

"I had a twin sister. Her name was Adrianna. Both my parents adored her, hell, I adored her. She was smart, she was well behaved, she was a people pleaser. Smart isn't giving her enough credit. She started playing on my mother's piano when she was three. They bought her a concertina to practice on until her fingers were bigger for the piano keys. According to my parents, I was just plain trouble. I got dirty, I talked back. I embarrassed their socialite friends.

"Adrianna was their little princess. And despite not being the favorite, life wasn't that bad for me. I had their attention; I got my share of playtime with my mom and hugs from my dad. Shortly after our 5th birthday that all changed.

"We had been out sailing, getting in one last adventure before the boat was taken down to the Bahamas for winter berthing. Both my parents were avid sailors; my father owned a beautiful schooner. I loved being out on the water. The water had always made Adrianna nervous. She didn't like swimming and she wasn't fond of sailing. We were out by Hyannis Port when a squall sprung up. It was just my parents and me and Adrianna. They had their hands full with the boat, trying to bring in the sails under winds that were suddenly too strong. Dad had shouted for me to get Adrianna below to ride out the storm.

"It was one of those freak accidents, Kate. I was holding her hand, trying to get her down below. She had panicked so she wasn't moving easily. I still don't remember exactly what happened, if it was a sudden wind gust, or a swell catching us just right or some combination of both. She was no longer in my grasp. She was sliding down the deck towards the railing and then she disappeared. Mom and Dad always made us wear our life vests on the boat, but it didn't do her any good. Dad jumped in and retrieved her quickly enough that she wouldn't have drowned. Somewhere along the way though she had hit her head hard enough it killed her."

Tony took a deep breath, remembering those last few moments with his sister. He shuddered and looked back at Kate. She reached out and patted his leg, beckoning for him to continue.

Clearing his throat he continued, "I don't remember a whole lot about the few weeks after her death. Everyone was a little crazy then. Mom never really recovered from the incident. I suddenly found myself taking piano lessons and being dressed like a sailor. She started drinking. More and more, I was being raised by nannies and maids and less by my parents.

"Kate, do you know what it's like to have your father look at you and know that he thinks the wrong child died?"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **_**Thanks to those who have reviewed. And thank you to **_**vanishingp2000 **_**who pointed out that I needed a spoiler also for Judgment Day! **_

**Spoilers: I think I have to mention spoilers at this point for **_**Kill Ari pts 1&2**_**, **_**Bury Your Dead, **_**and A**_**gent Afloat**_**.**

"Kate, this isn't about you," Gibbs growled quietly from where he observed his agent.

Straightening her suit jacket she replied tartly, "I never said it was. I just have to wonder why I'm here with you right now."

"I'm worried about him," Gibbs admitted. "I don't think he even noticed how distracted he was today."

"That explains why you followed him here, sort of, but it still doesn't explain me."

"Damn it, Kate!" he started to bark before he caught himself. He ducked past the corner of the mausoleum he was using for cover, hoping that Tony hadn't heard him. "I told you this wasn't about you! I don't know why you're here now."

"Since when did a distracted Tony warrant your concern anyway? He's always distracted. Whether he's teasing Ziva or taunting McGee, or ogling the newest female agent, he's hardly ever focused."

"This was different, Kate. He looked almost…haunted. He's had a bad couple years, with the hell Jenny put him through with that undercover op, what he went through losing Jeanne the way he had to. He took Jenny's death badly." Gibbs listened for a moment, hearing snatches of Tony's narrative. He chanced looking around the corner again and watched Tony continue his conversation with Kate's gravestone.

"In some circles, this is called eavesdropping."

"Kate," Gibbs hissed warningly.

"Really, how do you think he'd feel knowing you were listening while he bared his soul?"

"He'll never know I was here."

"Who are you trying to convince?"

"What do you mean?" Gibbs snapped.

"Are you trying to convince me that this is right? Or are you trying to convince yourself?"

Gibbs opened his mouth to reply. He turned his head to stare at Kate, but her image was already gone. He smirked a little. It still surprised him how easily he slipped into conversations with her, even though he knew she was just a projection of his own conscience. He did feel a little guilty about listening in on this very private conversation. But his gut had told him something was amiss, so he followed where it led him.

He found it intriguing that Tony talked to Kate too. He briefly wondered what role she played for him: conscience, confessor or confidant. His musings stopped as Tony's words drifted his way; he was describing a twin sister. Gibbs was mildly surprised to hear of a sibling. Tony's background file said he was an only child. As Tony spoke further though, the reason became clear. Tony had dropped enough hints over the years that his childhood had not been a happy one. Gibbs was beginning to understand why. But nothing prepared him for the bombshell that his senior agent dropped.

He had to drop back behind the corner again, not trusting himself to remain silent. The father in him could understand the pain of such a tragic loss; he _knew_ what that loss felt like. He couldn't comprehend not cherishing every moment with the surviving child. He was almost overwhelmed at the level of anger he felt for a man he had never even met. Taking a deep breath, he glimpsed around the corner again to see if Tony had anything else to share with Kate.

*~*~*~*

Kate looked at Tony with sympathy in her eyes. He held her gaze for a few silent minutes. He sniffed a little and continued his story.

"Today is the anniversary of her death. It has been many years since it bothered me this deeply. Time heals all wounds and all that Hallmark rot," he scoffed.

"It's not like it's a significant anniversary even, you know? Not one of those milestones, 25, 30 years. I…" his voice faltered a moment. His dropped his chin to his knee. He started and stopped again as his brain tried to make sense of why he was here again. He fell silent once more.

Kate leaned forward, as if sensing his indecision. "Tony, you can talk to me. Tell me more," she prompted gently.

"Adrianna's death marked the slow death of my family. As I grew older, I started acting out, trying to get the attention of my parents. I know, sounds like a therapist," he chuckled a bit.

"But that was something I came to realize later on, my parents didn't care enough at that point to actually have me talk to someone. By the time I was ten, my mother had been in rehab twice. I think my father had said six sentences to me in two years. I heard my father arguing with my nanny about Christmas presents that year. He told her to just go out and buy whatever I wanted. She was daring enough to tell him that the least he could do was buy his own son's gifts. The next day I had a new nanny. My parents flew out to Aspen for Christmas. That year I opened one gift: a skateboard our cook Doreen bought for me.

"They came back to town New Year's Day. I was amazed that they were both smiling, really smiling. I thought that maybe, I had my parents back. I ran down the stairs to greet them in the foyer, and it broke my heart to see their smiles vanish. Mom broke down into tears and fled to their room."

Tony sighed deeply, "Dad just looked at me and said, 'Perfect, now see what you've done you good-for-nothing brat?' I couldn't imagine what I had done. Later that night mom had gotten drunk again. Sometime after I had gone to bed she came into my room, crashing around looking for something. She turned on the light, and grabbed my jar of sea monkeys. She scolded me like I was five again, and said my sister never took things that didn't belong to her. It wasn't the first time my mother had confused my poor sea monkeys for her alcohol. I tried warning her, but she drank it anyway. She screamed at me for awhile, I don't really remember what she said. I had started to tune out the awful things she'd say when she was drunk. I remember her slamming my door, shouting at my father what a rotten kid I was.

"My nanny came in later that night telling me to get dressed. I remember a car ride with my dad, going to the hospital. He never looked at me once. After we got to the hospital, he grabbed my elbow and led me to a room with my mother hooked up to all sorts of machines. He pointed at her and said 'This is your fault.' He shoved me out of the room. My nanny collected me a while later and quietly explained my mom had taken one of the cars out after she had been drinking. She had crashed the car, wrapped it around a tree. Mom died two weeks later.

"The following months could best be described as strange. My father actually tried to involve me in his life. He got me into the local boy scout troop, then pulled me out a month later when I asked him if he'd come to one of the campouts. He had started drinking around then. As summer approached he started dragging me to his Civil War reenactments. I was desperate for his attention, Kate. I did everything he asked of me, just because it meant he was acknowledging my existence. I spent four weekends carrying poo buckets."

Tony stretched his long legs in front of him, taking a moment to lean back. He glanced to the sun that was sinking low on the horizon. With a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes he asked, "I'm not keeping you from anything, am I?"

Kate rolled her eyes, "Like what, Tony?"

"Oh, I don't know some heavenly wet t-shirt contest?"

"Tony!" she exclaimed. For a moment it looked like she was going to scold him. Then her eyes narrowed. "You're doing it again, Tony."

"What?"

"Misdirecting."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

A genuine smile cracked on Tony's face. God, how he missed that. "You're right, Kate. I am."


	3. Chapter 3

**Additional Spoilers: Cloak & Dagger**

Slowly, Tony's smile faded. The warmth from the familiar banter cooling as reality seeped its way back into his awareness. "There are parts of my childhood I've never spoken aloud to anyone, Kate. I don't know that I ever would have told you were you still alive; it would have changed everything. You wouldn't have been able to look at me the same way. It's hard for me to break past that barrier, even now, when what I tell you will never change the way you see me."

Tony looked off into the distance, debating if he could continue. His mind was racing in a thousand directions, like an animal sensing a trap closing around it. Years of instinct were telling him to flee as fast as he could.

"Tony," Kate smirked, "I'll take your secret with me to the grave."

"Oh, ha, ha," he replied drily, "very original." He studied her in the fading sunlight. He swallowed hard. It suddenly was very clear to him why he had come here today. Family.

"I know why Adrianna's death hit me so hard today. I lost my family again this year, Kate. NCIS has been my home for eight years now. The team has become more of a family to me than my blood family ever was. When Jenny died, it tore the team apart. Suddenly I was five again, I couldn't save Adrianna, and I couldn't save Jenny. It was my fault we were split up. It wasn't rational thought, but damn it, that's sure what it felt like."

Recognition dawned in Kate's eyes, "That sense of loss is still so fresh for you; Adrianna's anniversary tore the scab off the wound."

Tony closed his eyes and nodded. "Fear of losing family is what kept me from staying any one place too long, from letting anyone get that close. I don't know how or why it happened at NCIS, but when it did I couldn't give it up. For the first time in my longest memories, I started feeling like I was home.

"When I went afloat, there were nights I swore I heard my father screaming at me how worthless I was, that I poisoned everything I touched. It almost drove me mad, because I had heard it all before after my mother died."

_Be-beep…be-beep…be-beep…_ Tony's hand went to his right pocket to retrieve his work cell. He glanced at the text display, _Gibbs team on stand-by alert. On-Call team has been called into field._

He sighed, hoping that it would stay a quiet night and returned his phone his pocket. Then his brain caught up. He had heard six beeps, not three. Pages were always three beeps. He felt his blood turn cold. Glancing around, his mind coming to only one logical conclusion, "How long have you been standing there, Boss?"

*~*~*~*

"Never get caught, huh, Gibbs?" Kate mocked.

Gibbs gave her the stare. She simply shrugged and walked off towards DiNozzo. The former Marine cursed his luck. He knew this was the only cover within earshot of DiNozzo, and he knew DiNozzo would know it too. He stepped out from the cover of the mausoleum, fastening a carefully neutral expression on his face.

Tony had risen to his feet. "Boss, how long… how much…" the agent stammered.

Gibbs' breath caught in his chest. He'd never seen DiNozzo looking as vulnerable as he did at that moment, barriers vaporized. He was suddenly filled with doubt that he had done the right thing by listening to his agent's story. Kate, in her dark suit standing between Gibbs and DiNozzo pointed at the younger man and ordered, "Make it right."

Tony fought for equilibrium. What had Gibbs heard? What would he think if Gibbs knew he talked to a ghost? The plaid of Kate's uniform swept by his peripheral vision as she moved to stand in front of him. "He's Gibbs, Tony. Not your father. He's your family, your real family, don't push him away," she urged.

Gibbs steeled himself and walked towards Tony. When he was within a few steps of his senior agent he stopped. "So," he began casually, "You talk to Kate, too?"

Tony blinked. Of the thousand things he thought Gibbs was going to say, that was certainly not one of them. He found he couldn't voice a response, he simply nodded.

Gibbs gave Tony a shrewd little smile, "Don't tell her I told you, but I think Abby talks to her too."

In spite of himself, Tony laughed. "Of all of us, Abby is the one that would surprise me the least. Well, next to Ducky of course, I think he's the charter member of the 'Talking to the Dead' club."

Both men fell silent. The silence became heavy, and Tony's expression darkened. "How much did you hear, Boss?"

Gibbs calculated the how he should respond to that question. He concluded that if he lied and said very little that Tony would forever wonder. He feared that would only push the younger man deeper into his protective layers of masks.

"He'll leave you, Gibbs," Kate said matter-of-factly, smoothing out the crease in her tailored pants. "You don't tell him the truth on this, he's going to question every decision you make about him. He won't be live with suspecting you pity him."

"All of it, DiNozzo," Gibbs said softly.

Tony closed his eyes. The ice that had chilled his blood seemed to gravitate into his gut. He wanted to feel angry, betrayed. But all he felt was drained. He opened his eyes, not bothering to try and hide the turmoil. "Boss, I…" he aborted.

"Tell him what you were going to tell me, Tony," Kate said gently. "Tell him for the same reasons you were going to tell me. Tell someone who can actually make a difference in your life. You've been carrying this burden too long on your own; you need to share it before it breaks you."

Gibbs waited patiently while Tony determined his path. He already had a greater understanding of Tony's actions the last several months. His intense desire to get off Agent Afloat duty, to come home, his almost irrational outburst at being out of the loop trying to weed out the NCIS mole, it started to make sense.

"Gibbs, I had more I was going to tell Kate," he said quietly. "I think I need you to hear it also."

_A/N: Unless something drastic happens while the next chapter shapes itself, I think there will be just one more part to this story. I apologize for any mistakes, this work is proofread but unbeta'd. _


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Phew – this chapter fought me tooth and nail. Sorry for the little delay in posting. This chapter is a touch longer than its predecessors. But I really think this will be wrapped up in the next chapter. Really. Thanks again to those who have reviewed and put this on story alert. Seeing those messages in my inbox have been great motivation!_

The sun had drifted below the horizon, and Gibbs could no longer see the flush of color that was returning to his agent's cheeks in the growing twilight. Tony shoved his hands deep into his pockets and ducked his head while he sorted out his thoughts. He slowly turned and faced Kate's gravestone.

"I used to talk to Adrianna, much like I talk to Kate now. She was always there for me when things would get really, really bad. When she died, there was an emptiness in my life that I've never been able to fill, never will be able to fill. You know that bond between twins people talk about?" Tony looked over at Gibbs and saw his nod in acknowledgment.

"Ours was deep, we were opposites in a lot of ways, but complementary… it's so hard to define. Anyway, when that bond was broken the only way I could come close to filling that void was to talk to her. I made the mistake only once of talking to her during the day, at dinner just a few weeks after she died. That was the very first time my dad ever physically hurt me.

"After that, I only talked to her at night after I was supposed to be asleep. I think my mom knew I still talked to my sister, I think she was jealous of it. I wasn't trying to hurt my parents, but how can a kid cope with that kind of loss without the support of his parents?" Tony asked, anger coloring his tone.

Gibbs found himself asking that very question. "A child should never have to endure that alone. DiNozzo, did you ever have the chance to grieve for your sister?"

Tony met Gibbs' eyes, his tone suddenly cold, "I wasn't allowed to. When I cried for her, my father told me I wasn't worthy of mourning her. I wasn't allowed to touch her things, to mention her name. I had to find my own way."

The younger man slowly dropped to one knee, touched the dying petals of the flowers on Kate's grave. "I never saw my sister's grave until I was old enough to drive. It was the first place I went to when I got my driver's license. My parents didn't even bring me to her funeral, they were too afraid I'd act out, embarrass them somehow."

Gibbs stepped around his agent and sat down leaning against the side of the neighboring headstone. He resisted the urge to say something, say anything. He feared if he spoke he'd break the spell that was allowing Tony to finally open up. He watched Tony glance at Kate's headstone, a look of confusion on his face. Tony looked around, and Gibbs realized he was looking for Kate. He glanced around himself, and saw his own Kate was gone. Amending his decision, he spoke, "She left me too, DiNozzo. Looks like we're on our own now."

Tony glanced sharply over to where Gibbs sat. His resolve to get through this, to release his darkest secrets from childhood started to falter. He thought he could tell Gibbs. He had really thought he could. But as his barriers were coming down, so too were the walls he had erected keeping the memories of pain and rejection, hate and disappointment at bay. Just when he needed Kate most, she was gone, she had abandoned him too.

Gibbs saw the change in Tony's eyes. He sensed DiNozzo was about to run. He reached out, touched the hand of this man so close to breaking. "Tony," he whispered, "it's time to stop running."

Tony dropped from his crouch, closed his eyes against tears that had suddenly sprung. He was tired; he was frustrated, angry and sad. He wanted to believe in Gibbs, he knew he could. Years of conditioning were threatening to close him back up. He drew his hand away from Gibbs' touch and wiped his eyes. He stared hard at Kate's grave, willing her to give him some advice. In her silence, he heard his own internal voice. _You can trust him._

His voice thick, Tony continued, "After mom died, what little buffer there was between my father and I was gone. She may not have been mother of the year, and she certainly resented me, but in her own way she did love me. It put me off balance considerably when my father tried to involve himself in my life after she died. It went against everything I had grown to know, especially knowing how he felt about me at the time.

"The last re-enactment that summer, I told my father I wasn't going to carry the poo-buckets anymore. I never saw my father on those weekends anyway; I had finally realized that he wasn't bringing me along to spend time with me. He had just found a way to humiliate me. I had expected him to be angry with me, to say something. He just walked away.

"His driver brought me home that night. When dad came home that Sunday, he and his driver argued about me. My father was enraged that one of his staff would dare approach him about how I was being raised. The groundskeeper, the cook and the maid all joined in, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. To hear them tell my father all I needed was a little love, I thought these were adults; he had to listen to them! He would hear none of it, and that night all four of them walked off the job.

"The rest of the week, the remaining staff at the house all left including my nanny. By Friday dad was furious. He had a business trip he needed to take to Hawaii, and there was no one left to watch me. I considered it a small victory that he was forced to take me with him. To this day I believed his intent was to abandon me at that hotel.

"When I arrived back at the house it was fully staffed and Adrianna's room had been cleaned out. There was no trace of her left in the house. All the pictures of Mom and Adrianna were gone. He had tried to get rid of all the reminders of what had happened. Including me. When he came home the night I got back, I thought he was going to kill me. Really, truly murder me. I think the only thing that kept him from it was his company, knowing he'd lose the company if he went to prison."

Gibbs listened to DiNozzo's humorless chuckle at that revelation. He watched his agent shake his head. He could almost hear the younger man sifting through his memories.

"Steve was one of the new house staff. The week before school started, he had been told to take me down to New York City to get some new clothes for school. My dad may have hated me, but damned if his son was seen wearing anything but the best clothes. We were walking down 5th Avenue when a commotion broke out. Some guy strung out on something, probably coke, was dragging a woman out of a store with a knife to her throat. Within a minute there were three policemen on the scene, trying to talk him down. I never saw where the fourth officer came from; all I saw was a blur of blue tackle the man with the knife. In seconds it was over. And at that moment I knew exactly what it was I wanted to do with my life.

"Steve and I talked about what happened on the way back. He told me his brother was an officer in Albany. Shared some of the stories his brother had told him. He took me to Albany a couple times to meet his brother and some of the other officers. "

Tony sighed and shook his head. "Steve was a bit like an older brother for me. He practiced football and basketball with me, took me to my practices, came to my games. He did what he could to inject some normalcy in my life. My 7th grade year, Steve was gone the week spring midterm reports were sent home. Dad actually looked at them for the first time in two years. I wasn't doing a great job, but I wasn't failing either. He went ballistic when he saw I wasn't making straight A's. I thought the beating he gave me when I turned his ski suit into a Halloween costume had been bad. I had no idea how bad it could get.

"My father was a master of mixed signals. Here I was doing average work, performing to expectations. He had told me countless times that I would never amount to anything. Then he beats the hell out of me for doing average work. I spent two days in the hospital for 'embarrassing' my father. I don't know what stories he told, but he was never held accountable for it. I guess times were different, and money could buy a lot of silence.

"When Steve came back, I didn't tell him what happened; I just wanted to forget the whole thing. I think he suspected though, his whole attitude towards my dad changed. That summer, I don't remember a meeting with my dad without Steve being there watching in some way.

"When school started that fall, dad called me into his study he said he wanted daily updates of my school day. For once he wasn't drunk, and he wasn't yelling at me. I actually thought he was interested in _me._ The first week was great. After a while he'd stopped really listening. About halfway through the year, the questions wouldn't start until I had poured him a scotch. I worked at school just hard enough to maintain a high B average, just enough to keep from 'embarrassing' him. I could have gotten A's but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction.

"Somehow, the few times Steve wasn't around, I managed to keep myself from getting hit," Tony smirked and glanced over to his boss, "Really, it was an amazing feat. You know my mouth. You think I'm bad now? Before I had honed the wisecracks to a finely tuned skill, I was an out-of-control smart-ass."

Gibbs watched his agent fall silent once again. He saw a shudder run down the man's back. The night was cooling, but Gibbs suspected the temperature had little to do with that reflex. Tony was staring off into the distance, reliving a memory. The shudder turned into a tremble, and Gibbs realized Tony was afraid.

"DiNozzo!" he said gruffly. He breathed a sigh of relief when the younger man snapped out of the memory that gripped him. "You want to walk? Grab some coffee?"

"Are you asking me on a date, Boss?" out flashed the megawatt smile.


	5. Chapter 5

**Warning: This chapter contains descriptions of physical abuse.**

Any other day, Gibbs might have cuffed DiNozzo on the back of the head. But today he sensed it would be a wrong move. Instead he rose to his feet and replied, "Maybe the day you turn into a redhead."

The former Marine started to walk towards the nearest cemetery road. He was confident Tony would follow, and sure enough a moment later his agent sighed heavily just behind him, "So I guess that means you're not buying?"

Gibbs hid his smile before he turned and stared at Tony. Tony stopped walking and smiled unapologetically. They both knew this dance. Gibbs turned and strode purposefully away, "Are you coming, DiNozzo?" he queried with feigned impatience.

"On your six, Boss!"

The two men walked in companionable silence for several minutes. Gibbs knew he had derailed DiNozzo. He had done it instinctively, an act of protection. He had sensed the growing fear in his senior field agent, and he dreaded what it could mean given the gravity of what Tony had already revealed that night.

Tony began tentatively, "Over Easter break, dad took me to Rhode Island, to Rhode Island Military Academy. On the trip down, he told me that I needed discipline, direction in my life. He said, 'Three generations of DiNozzos have gone to this school,'" Tony mocked his father's voice.

"He had planned out my entire next decade. He had arranged for me to go to Harvard once I was done with prep-school. It was all about the image, the prestige. I told him I didn't want to go to Harvard. He said it wasn't about what I wanted.

"That spring we had a career project we had to complete. We had to interview people in the professions we wanted to pursue. We had to do two essays: one on the history of the profession and one on a notable personage in the profession. It was the most fun I had on a school project to-date. Steve took me to interview his brother in Albany, I wrote my research history of the NYPD. I couldn't pick a notable personage at that time, in my eyes, they were all notable. So I chose instead to write about law enforcement archetypes in modern cinema."

Gibbs looked sharply over to Tony, expecting to see a smirk on his face, some indication that he was joking. Tony licked his lower lip, "I'm not kidding, Boss. I still have a copy of the essay, complete with the gold star and my first A+ if you want proof.

"I was so proud of the work I had done. I had been successful at something. The day we got our projects back, I was looking forward to my afternoon update with my dad. He was too drunk that night to even look.

"It was a week later that I was finally able to show him and by then some of the thrill had worn off. To his credit, he actually read the entire thing. I remember watching his face as he read it. Cold, impassive, and then he got to my last essay. At first I thought I only imagined it, that I was hoping so hard for some acknowledgement that I didn't believe it. He looked surprised; it was the closest thing to an approving expression I had seen on his face in almost 9 years. He finished reading the paper and sat there quietly thinking for awhile, sipping on his scotch. I didn't dare say anything. Then, the expression changed. He asked me who I got to write the essay for me.

"He may as well have punched me in the gut, Gibbs. I couldn't answer him. I just ran out of the house, kept running. I guess he took that to be an admission of guilt. When I came home that night all the doors were locked. I didn't give him the satisfaction of pounding on the door begging to be let back in."

Tony rolled his head, stretching out his neck muscles and ran his hand across the back of his head. He fell silent. Gibbs stopped walking. They had reached the coffee shop.

"What do you want, DiNozzo?"

"Whatever, Boss. The usual is fine," Tony replied tonelessly.

Gibbs walked in to order the coffees. Tony waited outside, watching people stroll by. While the coffee was being prepared Gibbs watched his agent through the storefront window. His expression had become stony. He stood with his hands thrust deep into his pockets and his shoulders hunched. It was a closed posture. It was something he rarely saw in the gregarious younger man. The teenager at the counter handed Gibbs the coffee.

Wordlessly, Gibbs handed Tony the large cup. With an eyebrow and a head nod he asked his agent if he wanted to sit at one of the sidewalk tables. Tony replied with a negative shake of his head and tipped his head towards the park up the street.

Letting the warmth from the coffee flow into his hands was a welcome distraction. He knew it was inevitable he would finish telling Gibbs his story, but for now he needed to hang on to the present for a little while longer. By the time they reached the park, the coffee was finally cool enough for Tony to drink. Taking a sip of the hot brew, he pointed to an open park bench that overlooked the cemetery below.

Tony took a few deep breaths. He knew he was going to have to do it soon, before he lost his nerve and buried his past again.

"The week after school got out dad was sitting out by the pool, drinking as had become his custom on Saturday afternoons. He made me fetch him some more ice for his drink. When I got back, he asked what I wanted to go to school for when I went to Harvard. I told him I didn't want to go to Harvard; I wanted to become a police officer. He looked at me with this sneer, like it was a career that wasn't fit for the germs living on his shoe. 'DiNozzos have better things to do with their lives than handing out parking tickets.'"

Tony swallowed hard. "I got gutsy. I asked him what difference it would make what I did when he thought I would amount to nothing anyway. He brought the whole image thing up again. According to him, it didn't matter if I was successful at whatever I did – because I'd never be successful anyway - so long as I was ensconced in an approved, Harvard certified profession.

"I don't know what came over me that day. I baited him. I guess I had just had it with being ridiculed, humiliated, and made to feel worthless. Everything just came boiling up. I told him I was going to become a police officer, a good one so I could protect people and do some good.

"He told me that the best I could hope for was the gutter if I pursued that path. He said it was going to be hard enough keeping me out of the gutter anyway, but he had to try to protect the family name. I said the family name was a joke. It was never about family, it was _his_ name. It had stopped being about family when Adrianna died, when mom died…

"He lost it Gibbs. I was just out of eighth grade; he stood over a foot taller than me then. The last time I had seen him move that fast was when he dove off the boat to save Adrianna. He had never hit me so hard in my life. But I kept baiting him. I told him that maybe if he had been a police officer, instead of some stupid desk jockey in a monkey suit Adrianna might still be alive. I tried to fight back, but what could I do?"

Tony rested his elbows on his knees. He set the coffee down on the concrete beneath the bench, his trembling hands threatening to drop the cup. Burying his face in his hands he lost himself in the memory of that day. The scent of scotch, blood and chlorine assailed his senses as if he were there. Just before Gibbs could place a hand on his shoulder, break him from this memory Tony sat up again.

"I remember calling for help. I remember seeing Steve running across the yard just before I landed in the pool. My father tried to drown me, Gibbs. Technically, I guess I did."

It took all the will the ex-Marine could muster to suppress the expression of horror that threatened to break his stoic features. He watched Tony shuddered away the vestiges of that horrible day.

"Tell me he served time for that," Gibbs urged. He couldn't stay objective. Not when one of his own had been so wounded.

Tony looked at him sadly. Tony looked at him with… shame?

"I spent four weeks in the hospital. Three broken ribs, a punctured left lung, a broken right wrist, two dislocated fingers, a fractured jaw, concussion and a broken left tibia were the result. Steve told me he had fished me out of the pool after knocking my dad flat. God, how I wished I could've seen that. He got me breathing again.

"It took me two weeks before I could think clearly and hold a conversation. The police did get involved. They wanted to file attempted murder charges. Back then, I thought I knew a better way. If dad went to prison, all the family assets would be forfeit and I would go into foster care. I talked to Steve and his brother. I talked to a lawyer. I talked to the judge that had known dad for 30 years.

"Ultimately, I filed for partial emancipation. The agreement was I would go to Rhode Island Military Academy, and he would pay tuition. I liked the school, and I thought what I could learn there would be helpful for my career goals. It also got me off of Long Island. He was also to set aside $50,000 for my college expenses; I would attend a school of my choice. I agreed to drop all criminal charges to make it happen."

Tony leaned back into the bench, spent. Gibbs found himself rendered silent. The older agent found himself reflecting on what he knew of Tony and what was revealed in this new light. His determination to succeed, his drive to stay positive under bleakest circumstances, all stemmed from his will to survive a father who did not love him.

Tony whispered, "I should have sent him to jail, made him pay. I could have taken a few years of foster care. I had an opportunity to send an abusive father to justice and I threw it away. How many kids are dying for that chance?"

Gibbs thought about that statement and suddenly understood Tony's misguided shame. He thought his father got off too easily, that he let the man claim victory. Tony had done what his father claimed he could never do, he succeeded in life. That alone gave this extraordinary man the right to claim victory.

"Tony, when you were talking with Kate earlier, you were right. About not being seen the same way after hearing your story."

At that admission, Tony's eyes filled with a look of shame, hurt. Gibbs held up a staying hand and said softly, "Hear me out."

"Tony, to live through what you did, and knowing the man you became in spite of it all…" Gibbs had to pause, to clear his throat that had become thick with emotion. "I am amazed. I'm awed by what you had to overcome. At fourteen-years-old you negotiated a deal from a hospital bed that most seasoned lawyers couldn't broker on their best day."

Gibbs turned in the bench to face Tony square-on. "You have become a success. You did what you wanted to do with your life. You made all this happen despite being told every step of the way that you'd fail. "

Tony fought back tears as he listened to this man who had been more of a father to him than his dad ever was. He searched for the pity in Gibbs' eyes, and found none. What he saw there was genuine. He couldn't hold back the smile when Gibbs placed a hand on his shoulder and proclaimed, "I am proud of you, Tony."

_A/N: And here ends the tale. Thanks once more to those who have reviewed and alerted, and/or flagged this story as a favorite. It really means a lot to me that you have enjoyed this story. Please, if you have any constructive criticism to offer, I am happy to hear your advice._


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